Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
