can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
