Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
