He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
