ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
