Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
