I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
This is my gift to your gina
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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