Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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