I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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