and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
