I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
