I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You are the jesus of drinking
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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