Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
