If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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