Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
