2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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