I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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