If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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