I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
