I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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