Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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