she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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