Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
So I just went to clothing optional bar
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
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