What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
