Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
