I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I supernannyed him into submission
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
