we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Be still, my beating vagina.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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