i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
