if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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