remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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