You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
