i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
we're so committed to being not committed
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
