i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
