Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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