After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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