I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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