i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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