I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i drank out of a bidet.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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