what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize