god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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