Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
