Soap is not a condiment
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
