I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Randomize
