Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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