That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
