You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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