I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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