I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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