so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
