Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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