I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
