Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
