So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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