my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
