I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
