Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
