you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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