tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
