Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
