I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Two words: blizzard sex
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
