dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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