We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize