Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
