Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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