did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
