I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
